This is really hard for me to write up, but I felt maybe this might help some other women out there.
My relationship ended. You might be thinking what happened? Well, it is the big word SEX. Sex can be a wonderful thing in a relationship, but it also makes a relationship go south very quickly. My boyfriend, who I've known for only 4 months couldn't wait to have sex with me. I am glad he was physically and emotionally attracted to me. Me on the other hand. wanted to wait at least a year. I feel sex should be given to someone you really know well. I only knew him for one month and he tried pushing me into having sex. He would get really frustrated with me and would try to force it on me. For instance, we were watching a TV marathon in July watching TURN Revolutionary Spy. He kept kissing me and getting on top of me. I then pushed him away and said "no", but within another thirty-minutes he tried it again. I fell fake fell asleep on the couch in hopes he would stop, but he didn't. Instead, he started touching my private parts. The next second he started pulling my pants down to stick his private part down my pants. I quickly woke up and pushed him away. I look back at thinking how much of an idiot I was. I should have left, but I didn't. A tornado saved me. I couldn't believe what he did. For me, I didn't think about it being sexual assault because I thought maybe a guy does that when he is soo in love with you. In my lifetime, I have only had one relationship. I will tell you that story some other time. I was completely shocked. This guy is amazing guy he puts up with me not feeling good, he went to many of my doctors' appointments and even played cards with my grandma. How will I find another guy like this? This was the stupidest thought. I should have respected myself and left this relationship a lot sooner. I was too afraid I won't find a guy that understands my health conditions. This was stupid because he didn't think about my health condition he thought about himself. He always was telling me he is sexual frustrated. He knew I wasn't on birth control, so he made a comment, "You will have to go on birth control or you will have to have anal sex because I don't like wearing a condom." Puppy love is evil because I shouldn't have walked out of this relationship right then and there.
I ended up having a tubal ligation surgery. I didn't do it because of him. I did it because my OBGYN doctor felt it would help my endometriosis plus it would be very dangerous for me to get pregnant. I might want kids in the future, but I don't want to go through the pregnancy part of it. My doctor reassured me I still will produce eggs so I can still have a baby that looks like me and my husband.
One week before surgery I was outside kissing him good-bye he starts to grind on me. Soon I found myself being held down with him trying to put in my pants. I yelled, "STOP STOP. I don't want to." He still kept it up. I quickly twisted out of it. It was weird time slowed down for a second and I saw his face and it was evil. I felt he didn't look at me as a human being with feelings. I felt he looked in the zone of forcing me so he could have pleasure. The next second, he said, "Please. Please." while pulling me closer to him. I pushed him away and said, "N-O-. NO. I shouldn't have to tell you more than once."
Again, I was stupid for staying with him. I should have told my mom what he did and reported him. That would have been the smartest thing. I was so caught up thinking I won't find someone who will accept me for having lots of health problems. I now understand he didn't love me because if he did truly love me he would have been patient and waited till I was ready. If he loved me he wouldn't have forced himself on me or keep pushing me into doing it when I told him I wasn't ready.
While I was healing up from the surgery I noticed something different about my him. He didn't want to kiss me or really even hug me. He didn't plan out when we will see each other next. He was also texting me a lot less. Usually, I would get an "I love you" text in the morning, one at lunch and then one when he got home from work. I was barely getting one when he got home from work.
Finally, I couldn't take it anymore and asked him what is going on. Our conversation ended up a little like this:
ME: What is going on? Are you okay?
HIM: What do you mean?
ME: You have been acting funny? You haven't kissed me much when we see each lately.
HIM: Oh yeah, well I just feel like we don't have much in common. Plus, its not fair for me if I kiss you and we don't go to the next step.
ME: What?
HIM: Your kisses make me all riled up, but we never end up having sex. It is easier for me to just avoid them to not get all hot and bothered. I can't help myself that I am really attracted to you. Plus, I have been really thinking about the future and we don't have anything in common.
ME: What do you mean by not having anything in common? We both like movies, Netflix marathons, video games.
HIM: Yes we like video games, but you play Wii and I play XBox.
ME: Yeah, four years ago my grandma bought me the Wii. I don't have the money to get an Xbox. I have asked you many times we should play together.
HIM: I understand that, but the games I play you need another Xbox.
Me: That's not my fault.
HIM: You don't understand football.
ME: So that doesn't mean I don't like watching it. I ask you all the time when you are over on Sundays what the score is.
HIM: Well, I just don't understand why you don't sleep over or have me sleep over at your place with you. You slept with your last boyfriend.
ME: What? I NEVER slept over at my ex-boyfriend. He slept over at my place for two weeks while we were trying to find him an apartment because he was a homeless veteran. When he was at my place he slept on the couch in the family room.
HIM: I just assumed.ME: Next time ask me don't assume.
HIM: I don't like theater and film production is your passion.
Me: Theatre, Film & TV is my career. I am lucky my career is my passion, but I don't expect you to like my career. I don't like chemical blending.
Him: I like going to the beach and you don't.
Me: I love going to the beach. I just have to be careful with getting over heated. I would have to go on a day when it isn't 86 or higher degree day. Or if I do I might need to take a break in an air-conditioned place for a little bit, but I love going to the beach with my umbrella a good book and a radio. I don't mind putting my feet in the water.
HIM: I love swimming and I don't want to leave you by yourself because that isn't very nice.
ME: I am telling you its okay. If I told you I would be bored and hate being myself then yes that wouldn't be very nice.
HIM: I wouldn't be able to have any fun with you sitting on the beach while I am in the water.
ME: I know what will make me happy and what won't. You don't have the right to think you know what will or won't make me happy.
HIM: My ex-girlfriend hated me going to the beach because she had body image issues and didn't like if I looked at other girls. It's human nature to look at other gorgeous girls. I wouldn't do anything. I am not the most handsome guy, so no worries.
(He is right. He isn't very handsome. But looks aren't everything).
I didn't get to go swimming much at my dad's because I was with you.
ME: What? I never stopped you from going over there. You only invited me to your dad's twice.
HIM: The first time you were there we couldn't go into the water because of being so hot, so I didn't go in because I didn't want to leave you by yourself.
ME: No one was in the pool. Don't blame me. The second time the pool was covered because it was fall. If you wanted to go over there on the weekend I wouldn't have stopped you.
HIM: It doesn't matter I just don't understand why you don't want to sleep over. I want to wake up next to you.
ME: If you can't control yourself with just kissing then how can you control yourself if I am lying next to you in bed.
HIM: We have been together close to 7 months now. I have been there for you and did everything you liked to do, but you haven't done anything I want.
ME: I am always asking you if there is something you would like to do just let me know. I asked you when are we going to play Dominos with your cousins again or a game night with your brother and his fiance. You never asked me out on a date. You never said "lets go to a movie." I don't want to be like your ex-girlfriend and make you buy things for me all the time. I don't have the money to go out and do things. I'm on an extremely tight budget.
(When we first started seeing each other he told me about his ex. He said she was always keeping him busy and spending his money. That was one of the main things he couldn't stand about her. He told me he enjoys just kicking back at home and relax watching Netflix. )
HIM: If I asked you then I don't mind spending the money. I just don't understand why don't want to sleep over. I want you so bad and I don't understand why you don't feel the same.
(He never asked me.)
ME: We have not known each other for 7 months.
HIM: We started texting each other in March, but you didn't text me back until April.
Me: We didn't meet each other until the middle of June. I don't count texting dating. I count the days when we physically meet each other. You don't have to have sex to show someone you really love them. Sex only makes the relationship complicated especially in the beginning of getting to know each other. If we have known each other for more than 2 years and I haven't stayed at your place or you haven't stayed at my place then I can understand. I told you when I first met you, I am a sex after married kind of gal.
HIM: I just don't think we have anything in common. I love you so much and like you so much, but I just think we should move on.
(After realizing I was selling myself to him which you shouldn't do. Don't do it girls. Just walk away, especially if its a guy who is making feel like you should be doing something you aren't comfortable with. )
ME: You are right. We don't have anything in common.
HIM: Yes, I have a really high sex drive, but I just don't want you to think its all about sex.
(I'm laughing after reading that comment. It was because he totally wasn't getting any.)
ME: It hard for me not to think it isn't all about sex because that is what you keep going back to. May I ask you, when did you have sex with your ex-girlfriend?
HIM: We had sex the first week we met. She was my first relationship and she had a high sex drive. I never had a high sex drive until I met her.
ME: When did she move it with you?
HIM: 3 months
ME: Wow. Did that work out for you?
HIM: No not really. I just don't like being alone.
ME: I am sorry you don't want to be alone, but lying to a woman isn't the answer. You told me you like going to see theater shows and had fun being on a film set. You told me you hated that your ex-didn't let you play your video games. I didn't complain when you wanted to spend the weekend playing your games. You told me you like to do Netflix marathons. Plus, I follow my psychologist advice and she said a relationship will be a lot healthier if you don't rush into having sex and moving in with each other.
After talking out the situation with my psychologist, I now understand that he sexually assaulted me not once but four times.
Please, I beg you don't do what I did. Leave.
Here are things I learned:
- If he says "I love you" the second week you know each other move on and leave.
- If he starts touching you without your permission. Leave and don't look back.
- You tell him you don't want to rush into things and would like to take it slow, but he doesn't listen to you. Leave and don't look back.
- Test your boyfriend out by pretending to fall asleep. If he touches your private areas while you sleep. Get up and leave. Tell him, "If you don't respect my body than you don't deserve me." Don't look back.
- If he holds you down and tries to put his privates on you. Yell, "Stop" If he doesn't stop push him away and call 911. Make sure you report him no matter what. Leave him and don't look back.
I didn't really want to write this because it is such a private topic, but I wish I knew what I know now.
Here are some books I felt helpful:
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